should i continue this story?
Posted Under: Fly Fishing Tools Questions
Question by chef: should i continue this story?
Today I found a pit bull on a leash tied to a pole when i was going into toys r us.I had a gift card with 200 dollars on it so i was in there for a while about 5 hours.And when i came out he was still there ,but he was of the pole stuck on a bush.I figured that the owner lost him so, freed him and went to everyone I saw and asked if it was their dog they all said no. Then I went to a couple of of other parking lots, still no one
said it was their dog. I went to a friendly group of people still no,Just then when I was beginning to leave, the owner pulled up in an old brown truck and it was really old and so you could barely see the paint. He opened the rusty and squeaky door. He walked up to me and said, “So I heard you stole my dog”. I said, “well not quite sir” he was down by toys r us stuck on a bush. “Well I’ll just be taken him than “he said. When the man whistled he didn’t’t come so looking horrified the dog got yanked by his leash into the old truck. I get on my bike and follow him to his house because i knew he was going to do something bad to that dog because he ran off. Once I get to his house and look inside it was like a normal house. He went into the back yard and he chained dog up. I went up closer to the house creeped behind the house. He went inside and then he came out with a shock calur!!.i herd an “ouch”!i peeked though the old,nasty rotting blinds and there was tom with all the sharpest things there could be!I couldn’t tell anyone because they would not believe me.I went to go get something to record tom or trap him with but i turned around and my bike was gone but the most scary part was where the bike was there was tom!i knew not to panic but what could i do,i didn’t have my cell cause it was in the pocket on the bike!i ran as fast as i could and then i ran into a mini bike shop,and there was hundreds of bikes.so i hopped on one be cause tom was coming and i went no i flew down to my house i got a whole bunch of invisible fishing line and some really heavy tools from the garage i also grabbed some big ceiling hooks and a camera.i accidentally dropped the stuff i grabbed it and let the dogs out when i say dogs i mean all of them,i didn’t have time so i just hoped on and went back.i got there and i couldn’t believe my eyes the dog were there and there was all my stuff made into traps.all the dogs turned around from peeking over the side of the house and shushed me!!!then before i could even take a breath boom tom was hanging up side down and the trap worked.i took the mini bike back “without anyone knowing” and called the cops on tom he was P.O..they let me keep the dog and i named it wow.and no one never knew about my dogs adventure.i went to bed after taking a bath that night felling that i forgot something hm oh well i would have remembered it.i herd the dude across the street having a party i thought why are there no the dogs barking?oh crap the dogs!!!!!
to be continued…………….
omg ppl im 10!!!!!
Best answer:
Answer by Melody
….ummm no?
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Reader Comments
lol please dont
not my type of a story. sorry
when you write a story dont use terms like “oh crap” and all that junky informal terms…. You need to make it quite real as possible.
By the way i think you should quit the story and write something else…
Sit down and think about what you want to write about and gather as much information as you can a about your story.
Take down notes.
Think of an interesting or thrilling approach.
You could, if you wished, finish the story, its up to you… but i wouldn’t! There’s nothing wrong with the topic for a short story, and some of your abstract isn’t too bad, but the writing and the narrative itself, is… quite horrendous! sorry, but that’s the truth. don’t like to burst a persons creative bubble, but if you’re serious about writing this story you need to do a lot of work, and get some pointers on how to improve it. If you e-mail me from my home page with a copy of this story, i’ll help you further, but i cant do it here and now because there would be far too much to cover.
one more thing; proof read it first!
I don’t want to sound mean, but you need to do a lot of work before continuing. First of all, you need to break it down into manageable paragraphs. Right now it’s like waiting for a train wreck to see where the next break is. Also, spend time describing the setting. You said Toys ‘r’ Us. OK, obviously it’s not in an enclosed mall. Is it in a strip mall where you might expect to have a median between the sidewalk & curb? I didn’t see the connection between the pole & suddenly there’s a bush there. 5 hrs. seemed excessive to spend $ 200. I’ve been in their store & they’re not cheap.
Your detailing trying to find the owner was excruciating. Use dialogue! Let us see the character’s frustration trying to find the owner.Didn’t he want to give up or did the sad eyes of the dog keep him going? Dialogue starts w/ quotation marks. Each response is a separate paragraph.
Totally unrealistic about the bikes. Every bike store I’ve been in has them chained together to prevent such thievery. Have the owner be a neighbor or friend’s father. He could be outside working on one & let your character borrow it.
Develop your characters so the reader cares about them.
I didn’t finish because I stopped being interested. I’m not saying give up. Just use this as an outline & be more careful.